I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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