I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
