mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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