i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
