We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
