If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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