So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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