Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
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That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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