You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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