he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
