If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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