It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
