Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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