there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
