I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
