is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
