Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
