I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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