so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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