fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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