Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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