drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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