my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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