First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
