I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
