I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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