i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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