someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
