Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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