There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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