i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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