Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
