I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
