Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
