I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
