Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
