Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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