Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
