i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
