grandma shit on top of the toilet
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
