I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
