He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
