I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
