so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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