Girls should come with a carfax report
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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