It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
