I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
