Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
