i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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