i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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