New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
PANTIES FOUND
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