I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
