Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
