Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
