when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
