Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
