god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
