It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
honey bunches of taint.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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